Those who have experienced pregnancy or fetal loss experience a grief unique to the human experience. Whether the loss was chemical, within the first trimester, or at full term, the grief experienced is not one that can be easily explained. Everything changes the moment we find out we are pregnant and decide we want to continue with the pregnancy. At this moment, you are already a mother. You envision your belly growing, the coming waddle, and how your life will now be different. It is impossible to not become attached to the concept of motherhood, no matter how early the pregnancy may be. So when we lose that life, it can feel like we lose a part of ourselves. It can feel like this is something that can never be recovered.

For those that become pregnant after loss, they often experience a multitude of emotions. From excitement, to anxiety, to panic, to dread. The positive pregnancy test can elicit a fear response that is rooted in trauma. What if it happens again? What if I’m not ready? What if I can’t do this? Loss has changed you and you can’t erase your knowledge of what can go wrong.. The blissful experience of pregnancy may not be yours. The first ultrasound may be incredibly triggering. You may be hyper aware of every physical sensation and change in your body. You may find yourself researching every statistic to find proof that this baby will make it. You may struggle with how and who to tell in an attempt to protect yourself. 

There’s a concept of a “rainbow baby”. This is a baby that comes into your life after loss. Some of those that are pregnant may struggle with this. What does this mean about the baby that was lost? Am I supposed to just be happy now because this child lived? For some, it is the rainbow that keeps them going. The idea that this will all be worth it once their baby appears. 

Wherever you find yourself in your journey is okay. We all heal differently and everyone’s experience is valid. It is okay to be afraid, just as it is okay to be overjoyed. Motherhood is about holding space for all emotions and experiences. We learn to balance the good and the difficult. You are already a mother, and you can do this. Let us know if we can help.