Supporting someone who has lost a child can provide a meaningful source of comfort. Grief of this kind is deep and enduring; it is not something that someone merely “gets over”. It can be difficult to know how to support someone through this loss. You may be afraid of saying the wrong thing or coming across as insensitive. Here are some thoughtful ways to support someone who has lost a child:

1. Acknowledge Their Loss

– Do not be afraid to bring up the loss or trigger feelings of sadness. They are likely already thinking about their child and you bringing it up lets them know that you are as well.

– Say their child’s name: It helps affirm that their child was real, loved, and significant.

– Use simple, heartfelt expressions like, “I’m so sorry for your loss, or “I can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling, but I’m here for you.”

– Avoid clichés like, “They’re in a better place” or “Everything happens for a reason.” These can feel dismissive and invalidating.

– Validate the significance of the loss. Using statements like, “Of course this is difficult”, “Your feelings are valid”, “It’s okay that you are feeling this way” 

2. Listen Without Judgment

– Allow them to share their feelings without interruption. Grief is not something to fix but to witness.

– Be comfortable with silence; sometimes, just being there speaks volumes.

3. Offer Specific Help

– Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” offer specific assistance, such as:

  – Bringing meals

  – Running errands

  – Helping with household chores

  – Caring for other children or pets

– Grieving parents may find it hard to ask for help, so taking initiative can be a relief.

4. Respect Their Process

– Grief is personal and doesn’t follow a timeline. Be patient with their journey, which may include anger, sadness, or even moments of numbness.

– Let them grieve at their own pace, and don’t pressure them to “move on.”

5. Remember Important Dates

– Acknowledge anniversaries, birthdays, or other significant milestones. A message like, “I’m thinking of you and [child’s name] today,” can be deeply comforting.

-Share if you think about their child, even if it’s not on an important day. Let them know you are thinking about them and even share what memory came to mind. You don’t always need to wait for the big dates.

6. Provide Resources (If Appropriate)

– Offer information about grief counselors, support groups, or online communities, but only if they seem open to it. You may also ask them if would like assistance finding resources, rather than assuming they have not accessed them themselves.

Examples of resources include:

  – The Compassionate Friends: A support group for families grieving the death of a child.

  – Local therapy or counseling services.

  – Postpartum Support International.

7. Be There for the Long Haul

– Grief doesn’t end after the funeral or a few months. Continue to check in regularly, even long after others might stop.

8. Avoid Comparisons

– Even if you’ve experienced loss, resist comparing experiences. Each person’s grief is unique.

9. Take Care of Yourself

– Supporting someone in profound grief can be emotionally taxing. Seek support for yourself if needed, so you can continue to be a steady presence for your friend.

10. Avoid Dumping Your Emotions on the Grieving Individual

– Although it is important that your emotional needs are met, right now is not the time for the grieving individual to be that person for you. Reach out to other people in your life that can provide what you need at this time.

The most important thing is to show up and let your them know they’re not alone. Small acts of kindness and steady presence can provide immense comfort in the midst of their pain.